I have not been able to collect my thoughts correctly for to post on this bog. They may not even be of the right mindset now. This has been a rough season for me.

Such a big hit when we lost our daughter-in-law, Hyunjin. A couple weeks later, our brother-in-law, Cliff. Just a week later 2 friends, one, that’s life has been intertwined with mine all my life. First part of January, I lost my last remaining aunt and a close friend’s husband received news that he has lymphoma. Last part of January, my dear friend lost her husband of 47 years.

Even though they are grouped together in a short span of time,each one was special to me and vary greatly in their uniqueness and relationship.

My daughter-in-law’s passing has been the hardest for me, as I felt as though she were my own child.

I am embarrassed to admit that my attitude toward God at this time, has not been the best. I have prayed for many things, many people and He has answered those prayers. I have also never been one to ask, why. Yet, I have found myself asking this very thing. Why didn’t You answer my many prayers on Jinn’s behalf? Why does my son have to be in such pain? My grandsons? I believed she would be miraculously healed. I believed! I believed. You said that if we believed, all things were possible. You say, that if we know that you hear us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of you.

I am also embarrassed to admit that I would get angry at people that suggested that God would heal if we were doing the right thing, praying the right way. Maybe, this made me angry because it hit too close to how I had thought of healing. Christianity and believing in God, cannot be put in such a small box. God is way bigger than any box we try to stuff Him into.

We live in a fallen world. I know that God loves us and doesn’t want to see us in pain.

I remember when my grandson was first diagnosed with cancer. When I prayed, Proverbs 3:5,6 would keep coming to mind. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your ways straight.

I found and still find, that when I leaned on my own understanding, I get filled with uncertainty, doubt, envy. Things that are not productive to healing and attitude in general. My understanding, does cause me to ask…why. I realize that there are some things that we cannot see in our own way of thinking and most assuredly in grief. It took my husband to remind me that in this life, there is much trouble. It’s in the next life where there will be no pain.

In regard to losing Jinn, there have been a couple things that have brought me comfort. First being, in Isaiah 57:1 it states, “The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.” Especially since Brian stated that Jinn had some mutated gene that caused her to be subject to many different diseases.

I remember feeling like the Lord wanted me to pray for a “hope and a future” for Jinn. Then, I read an article about how when our loved ones pass, that they pass into the future. That was a comfort. I am still not healed from the grieving of my daughter-in-law’s passing and my heart breaks every day for my son who feels everything is now meaningless.

In Psalm 139:16 it says, “your eyes saw my unformed body: all the days ordained for me were written in. Your book before one of them came to be”. God placed Jinn in this life for the purpose He intended. I am thankful that her path crossed mine and brought much joy and companionship to my son.

I am thankful for close friends who continue to pray for myself and my family. I have a friend that always reminds me of those things that I sometimes forget but have believed. I am so thankful for her love and friendship and wisdom. She shared this with me, even though I knew and believed this, coming from her, brought me back.

“Jesus wants us to pray for healing because it demonstrates our faith in Him and what He is able to do. Nothing is impossible for Him and yet sometimes He chooses not to and like He told Paul…My grace is sufficient for you. Still, having said that, it doesn’t make it any easier, but trusting in Him with all our hearts even when we don’t understand is all He requires of us. His ways are so much higher than ours are and so are His thoughts. But you know in your heart that Jinn has been healed to the ultimate sense of the word. She’s better than she has ever been right now. “

I do agree and believe all that my friend said. I still struggle when people write about healing. Insinuating that if we believed, all would be healed. I have seen people helped in miraculous ways, but I know that is not always the case. Over and over in Scripture, especially the Psalms, it talks about God being our refuge, our shelter, that He covers us. If there was not trouble in this life, we wouldn’t need a refuge or shelter. Or at least think that we need those things. God says that He will be with us in trouble. Losing someone we love is definitely trouble. I know that God is with me, even if I can’t make sense of it.

As I have been contemplating and trying to wrap my mind around things, there is one thing that I ultimately believe. God has provided a way for us to have a relationship with Him through Jesus. He wants us to share our joys, our fears, our sadness with Him. He doesn’t want us to always be asking for things when we are clinging to despair. He has given us eternity now and the future. If we are only asking Him for things when we pray…when we get to heaven what fellowship will we have with Him there, for in heaven, there will be no need to ask for anything. We are developing that close relationship now that will continue for eternity. He is our only hope for now and eternity, even in our darkest hour.