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Always Evolving with Thoughts

It’s been a couple months since I’ve made a blog post. Time passes so quickly. In this season, I continue to ruminate the things of this life that I do not or cannot understand.

Despite this, life is a bit different these days. Since Leonard’s surgery, it seems that he continues to struggle to get his energy back. Due to this, his interest in experiencing life away from the confines of our property, is quite limited. My son, who has always been my optimistic and positive offspring has turned bitter since the loss of his precious wife. He now feels like life is unfair and has no meaning. He’s angry at what he has experienced. I cannot deny the fact that life is unfair. Jesus forewarned us of this, but often we choose not to listen. Thinking it will be different for us. That WE can determine our destiny. Or, that this only applies to our spiritual life. I believe that our spiritual life is the part of us that is real life. That permeates every part of our being. This is the part of us that will remain after our earthly body decays. What we experience in our daily lives is our spiritual life. Whether that is dry and we don’t want to accept a higher power or whether we rely on His Spirit for everything. Or somewhere in between.

In spite of this negative thinking, we have experienced many fun and blessed moments that I thank God for. Mainly, that He sustains us. We’ve only fished a small amount this year, but I caught a large mouth bass that was quite fun to catch. It gave up a good fight. After pics, I returned it to it’s home. That day, was not it’s final day.

I started working at EJ Cornerstone church as a part-time secretary. The people have been so encouraging. I continue to get lifted up by those I come in contact with. Whether that be friends, ladies I meet with on a regular basis or an occasional stranger.

My daughter and grandson stop by periodically to bring us joy. I was thankful that they were around for July 4th to celebrate with us, as was my son and his boys. Words cannot describe what this did to my heart! Being that temperatures were close to 100 degrees F., Water was essential! 🙂

For the past six weeks, we have been studying about the Holy Spirit in our Thursday Bible Studies.

We make Him seem so mysterious. I guess the mysterious part is how He lives within us. I am often guided by His loving hand and know without a shadow of a doubt that it is Him flowing through me. We have learned that the Holy Spirit’s mission is to reveal and glorify God.

If we cleave, rely on and trust Christ, the Holy Spirit (The Living Water) will flow from our innermost being, continuously. This study suggested that we think about the attributes of water. (Refreshing, satisfying, flowing). These are all things we receive from the Spirit. Isaiah 55, reminds us that we don’t need anything to come to Him except self-surrender that accepts the blessing. It also says to “incline your ear and consent to the Divine will”. I think this is where we struggle. We don’t want to consent to the Divine will unless it goes along with our will. If we can’t tidy it up in a little bow and say we understand everything, we don’t want to consent or accept it. God says His thoughts/ways are higher than ours. We know this to be true, but do we live as though we know it to be true?

Another chapter that we have read is Psalm 42. Many times, I have read the section which states, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God”. Thinking of myself, that this is not true of me. As I meditate on this verse, I believe that it IS true. I need the Living Water of the Spirit every moment of everyday, for encouragement, for love, for direction. When He prompts me to reach out with word or deed, He never steers me wrong. Psalm 42, continues on with ‘My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” People often say this to us when bad things happen. This psalmist claims that he will remember God’s kindness to get Him through those tough days. He will remember those days of blessing. Yes, in my life, there have been many days of blessing.

When bad things happen, we tend to blame God. We don’t cling to those moments of kindness. We become discouraged. The Holy Spirit’s job is to remind us of the things of God…of His goodness. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us to “praise God, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

To be honest, I have struggled with this verse, because sometimes, I have not felt comforted by God in my distress. Except of course, the distress I had from the results of my sin and the comfort I received from knowing He forgave me. Or felt that I could comfort others. As I have been meditating on these passages, I believe that it is the goodness of God’s nature that comforts us. Those times when He did answer prayer, when we were comforted by knowing His love for us. That Jesus knows and has experienced betrayal, rejection, unanswered prayer for the higher good. That God does what He says He will do. Sometimes, it’s the things the Holy Spirit points out to us in Scripture. Therein is our comfort and also when we have experienced something devastating, it can give us more compassion for others that too, are experiencing devastation.

John Wilmot ( I really don’t know anything more about this man, other than this quote), wrote, “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children, now I have six children and no theories.” I heard this many years ago, and have thought of it often. Isn’t it so the truth! So, it is with life. We can have many theories, but until we experience something, theories don’t mean much. It’s the same with God, with the Holy Spirit, with Jesus. We can have many theories but until we experience Him, it doesn’t mean a whole lot.

I shared this song with my Bible Study group and it has brought me comfort through the years.https://youtu.be/Y3TBiuIpjDA?si=xIrF6Dyrsg-xBFzg

“Halleluiah for the heartache, halleluiah for the good days, Halleluiah for every breath we get.”

Yes, let us sing “Halleluiah, Amen” to our Lord for all we experience.

My disclaimer: Even though we thank God for this life and all that we experience, it does not mean that this process is quick or easy or to be taken lightly. It does not mean that I always handle hard times well or that my heart doesn’t break for my son and the loss of his wife or the changes I’ve seen in my husband, which are small compared to the loss of a beloved spouse. Losing someone so precious is so very hard all the way around. Yet, Jesus has experienced all and is right by our side, loving us…because that is who He is. In this, we say, “Hallelujah “.

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Contemplating

It seems that I am in a season of contemplation. Many thoughts of life, death, blessings, disappointments. Many times, we think we have life all figured out, only to find that we don’t. So many things that we can’t understand or explain away.

I have seen devastation and blessing. Every week, there are so many prayers for hurting people. At the same time, people are receiving blessings in their lives. Isn’t that how life is? A series of ups and downs that change our lives from here on out. We are either making memories or clinging to the ones from the past.

It challenges me to not be so self-centered. There are many opportunities to rejoice with someone over the blessings they receive. Or to be blessed myself over spending precious moments with a friend, as I did this week. I feel the Spirit within me is encouraging me to endure and be long in my prayers for those whose lives have been forever altered by the loss of a loved one, an accident that they may not fully recover from, a diagnosis or a host of unfortunate events. Often, people pray when the event occurs, but quickly go about their lives as if nothing happened..but, the people whose life has forever altered, there is no more normal. They have to learn to navigate broken.

This golf team that was in an accident has been on my heart. The coach is not doing well. All the kids on this team have been affected. Newspaper articles claimed the team had minor injuries. Yet, I have learned that many have years of rehabilitation needed for their broken bones and also for the emotional impact. Will we remember them when they are out of the hospital and have that long recovery period? Do we remember those who have lost their significant other, child or close friend? May this not be.

I have decided that I will not quit bringing all I know who are hurting before the Lord, for their hurting does not end. It is altered. They will function again in a different way. I will continue to ask Him for His comfort and strength to surround them. Not just for a time but until they meet Him or I do, which ever comes first.

Even though I have always felt extremely blessed when I see someone that I haven’t seen for awhile or those I used to see on a daily basis. I will thank Him more for each moment that I get to spend with these precious people. Whether that moment is just a brief “Hello” or an afternoon of enjoyable conversation. In doing this we will continue to be…The Lucky Ones, blessed by God.

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Forty-five

I don’t mean to disappoint, By using the title “Forty-five” you might have thought this was a post directed at our 45th president. It is not.

On this day, forty-five years ago, in a matter of minutes, I was no longer Karen Olstrom but became Karen Kirby. Though my name had changed, it would take us a lifetime to morph into “one”.

Despite this fact, we have always loved each other. Some people learn the morphing process right away. Some of us take a while.

Even though I love to chat, I am not a good communicator. Leonard can communicate decisively, boldly, bluntly, truthfully…the list could go on. As a sensitive soul, I don’t always handle this well.

After forty-five years of marriage and 2-1/2 years of dating, I appreciate our differences. We have grown. Our Ying and Yang relationship has brought us here. Where I fail, he steps in. Where he’s a little too harsh, I try to balance. A series of ups and downs have constituted our life together.

Some of those valleys have been when we’ve lost those who were ever so special to us. When we have lost those dear to us, we say to ourselves, “Life is short. Cherish each moment.” Gradually, moment by moment, we don’t cherish each day. We get irritated by something that really doesn’t matter or take days for granted.

Waitress took our pic.

Despite our differences, we are united on the things that matter most:

We have always loved each other.

Our love for and pride of our children and grandchildren knows no bounds.

Our belief in God.

Our general beliefs about morality and the world we live in.

I am thankful for this man that I call my husband…this man that I have loved since being captivated by his humor, when I was eighteen.

When I hear the doctor really emphasizing, how lucky he was to be alive! I am thankful!

I pray that I will be better at cherishing moments. We are not promised even our next breath.

On this day, the 45th anniversary of being wed, we…

Took a hike at 7 Bridges Nature Trailhttps://www.alltrails.com/trail/us/michigan/seven-bridges-trail, walked through the flea market and craft show at the Kalkaska Trout festival and ended with a delicious meal at https://www.trouttowntavern.com/

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The Journey Continues

We often, in the Christian community state, “all for Jesus”. Do we know the weight of these words? Or are we fair weathered? We like to put God in a box. If we do these things…He will do such and such.

Do we really mean ALL? We say, “Even if you don’t.” This sounds really good on the surface. We honestly so want to be that mature. Yet, are we?

I have to admit that I am not that mature. Oh, I thought that I was. Jesus calls us to take up our cross and follow Him. We say…”Oh yes, I will do that for Jesus.” Often, we think this to mean, our trials of trying to imitate Jesus – blessing someone that has hurt us- go the extra mile- or to lay down those things of the flesh. We can do all those things and more without questioning His goodness. Why? They make sense to us. They are fairly easy to attain.

So…what about when things Don’t make sense to us. When things happen that we can’t tie up in a neat little bow. When our life as we have known it has shattered to pieces. What then? It causes us to re-evaluate. Re-evaluate God, ourselves, life, death. Despite our evaluating/reevaluating, God remains the same. For some reason, we think that the goal is for us to have a trial free life instead of glorifying God.

We all know in our heads that God loves us, His ways are higher than our ways. That He is good. I continue to believe this. I continue to believe that God answers our prayers. It does not make the pain go away or stop me from delving into Scripture for answers. Even if He doesn’t answer my specific ones.

God did allow His own Son to die a horrible death –Jesus also prayed for deliverance. That prayer was not answered. Yet, Jesus never doubted His Father’s love.

Our pastor recently shared a Psalm and referred to the “festal shout”. I had never noticed this term before. He said that it was used between the trial and the fulfillment of God’s promises. This caused me to do a search on this and it has been quite helpful. For we are not in one or the other on a usual basis. When we are in a trial, it seems to be a journey and the “festal shout” is believing along that journey of what God promises us. That we will get through to the other side as we rely on Him. It’s about praising Him for who He is and believing in His plan, not my own.

I feel that I have been struggling with my daughter-in-law’s passing for numerous reasons. Mainly, I loved her. Secondly, it breaks my heart to see my son in pain and my grandsons. Also, my son and his family have been very private. So, we were always in confusion as to how to reach out. This was hard for us as parents. When my Dad and my Mum died, I was heartbroken for an extremely long time for each of these I held dear. Yet, I had piece of mind in the fact that I spent everyday with them. Said all the things I wanted to say before they left. No regrets. With my daughter-in-law, I did not see her everyday, did not realize the extent of her illness or what they were going through. Now, I do have regrets. Could there have been ways that I could have reached out? Ways that I could have “been there” for them and still allowed them their privacy? Does my son feel that I could have done more? These thoughts permeate my mind often. I know that I am not the only one who has or is going through a valley and I believe these questions could apply to anyone.

Many things as a Christ follower do not make sense. Love your enemies, turn the other cheek, etc. I am finding this too does not make sense to me when I think about losing those we love. We know that we will or others will lose us, but we choose not to think it will happen to us. Then it does, and we are devastated. I guess that’s a bit odd.

In the midst of my trying to grasp meaning, I believe that I will do the “festal shout”. To praise God in the journey, even if I’m not as mature as I should be. I will praise Him that Jinn is not in pain. I will praise Him for allowing my life to be changed by a young woman from the other side of the planet whom I loved like my own. I will praise Him in the valley, as He changes me to who I need to be. I will praise Him for helping me to realize that maybe I did have Him in a box and that box needed to be opened to draw me closer to Him.

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Such A Time As This : Part 2

Every artery was blocked! He would have to have open heart surgery.

Even in this pic at Christmas, you can tell that he wasn’t feeling well.

During this time, I had a bit of anxiety. On the day that Leonard was to go in for his heart catheter, the weather was horrid. White out conditions. Being that our friend had lost his life on slippery roads, I was a bit fearful, but we made it fine.

Also, on this day, our well decided to completely quit. We still had no plan to pay for the well, but my concern as with Leonard and not with the water. He, had no anxiety in regard to the surgery. He just told them to fix it so that he could hunt in the fall.

As you can see, he was not worried. 😆

I, on the other hand, after losing several people so closely was wondering if this was a trend. As it turns out, he made it through surgery better than expected with a quadruple bypass.

While he was recovering in the hospital, he could not deal with the worry or the particulars about what we would do about the water.

During the time of Leonard’s hospital stay, it snowed and snowed every day! The first day, my sister-in-law paid to have someone plow for us and as the snow continued to pile, my brother plowed everyday and brought water for me to drink and bathe with. There wasn’t enough water to flush the toilet with, so I started a three week journey of melting snow. An all day process along with filling out form after form to maybe get a loan or something quickly to get another well drilled. This process is anything but quick.

One of the days that I came home from the hospital, the splash guard under my car had come down on one side and it was filled with snow and while I was at the hospital, one of our new picture windows in the house cracked. I sat and cried a minute, for I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. When, I sat back took a breath and found that the splash guard has some slits in it and I could put C-clamps on them and use bungie cords to hold that shield up temporarily. Thankfully, our windows are under warranty. I was feeling a bit MacGiver-ish at this point. We are going to wait until spring to replace the clamps in the splash guard as it seems to be pretty secure.

While my brother was plowing, he had been using Leonard’s truck to plow. One of those days, he had to feed his chickens, so he took Leonard’s truck to his house to feed chickens and get us more water. While there, he turned off the truck now it won’t restart. It seems it is much deeper than what we had previously believed. So, there it sits, at his house.

Even with all of these unfortunate events…I am very thankful for the love and prayers of friends and family. I am extremely thankful for a new well and being able to shower and drink and good water! I am thankful for the kindness and love shown by those who came to the hospital, those who made meals, prayed, thoughts, cards, calls, texts…the overwhelming support. I am extremely grateful, for the sacrifice of my brother and sister-in-law who came daily to bring water and plow and even though I could do it myself, brought pellets in the house for me. I am thankful for my daughter taking care of Lucky for me and for her and my grandson also bringing in pellets.

Even though it is MUCH easier to give than receive. There is a humbleness and gratitude in receiving. That reminds us that we are all in this together.

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Such A Time As This

I have not been able to collect my thoughts correctly for to post on this bog. They may not even be of the right mindset now. This has been a rough season for me.

Such a big hit when we lost our daughter-in-law, Hyunjin. A couple weeks later, our brother-in-law, Cliff. Just a week later 2 friends, one, that’s life has been intertwined with mine all my life. First part of January, I lost my last remaining aunt and a close friend’s husband received news that he has lymphoma. Last part of January, my dear friend lost her husband of 47 years.

Even though they are grouped together in a short span of time,each one was special to me and vary greatly in their uniqueness and relationship.

My daughter-in-law’s passing has been the hardest for me, as I felt as though she were my own child.

I am embarrassed to admit that my attitude toward God at this time, has not been the best. I have prayed for many things, many people and He has answered those prayers. I have also never been one to ask, why. Yet, I have found myself asking this very thing. Why didn’t You answer my many prayers on Jinn’s behalf? Why does my son have to be in such pain? My grandsons? I believed she would be miraculously healed. I believed! I believed. You said that if we believed, all things were possible. You say, that if we know that you hear us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of you.

I am also embarrassed to admit that I would get angry at people that suggested that God would heal if we were doing the right thing, praying the right way. Maybe, this made me angry because it hit too close to how I had thought of healing. Christianity and believing in God, cannot be put in such a small box. God is way bigger than any box we try to stuff Him into.

We live in a fallen world. I know that God loves us and doesn’t want to see us in pain.

I remember when my grandson was first diagnosed with cancer. When I prayed, Proverbs 3:5,6 would keep coming to mind. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your ways straight.

I found and still find, that when I leaned on my own understanding, I get filled with uncertainty, doubt, envy. Things that are not productive to healing and attitude in general. My understanding, does cause me to ask…why. I realize that there are some things that we cannot see in our own way of thinking and most assuredly in grief. It took my husband to remind me that in this life, there is much trouble. It’s in the next life where there will be no pain.

In regard to losing Jinn, there have been a couple things that have brought me comfort. First being, in Isaiah 57:1 it states, “The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.” Especially since Brian stated that Jinn had some mutated gene that caused her to be subject to many different diseases.

I remember feeling like the Lord wanted me to pray for a “hope and a future” for Jinn. Then, I read an article about how when our loved ones pass, that they pass into the future. That was a comfort. I am still not healed from the grieving of my daughter-in-law’s passing and my heart breaks every day for my son who feels everything is now meaningless.

In Psalm 139:16 it says, “your eyes saw my unformed body: all the days ordained for me were written in. Your book before one of them came to be”. God placed Jinn in this life for the purpose He intended. I am thankful that her path crossed mine and brought much joy and companionship to my son.

I am thankful for close friends who continue to pray for myself and my family. I have a friend that always reminds me of those things that I sometimes forget but have believed. I am so thankful for her love and friendship and wisdom. She shared this with me, even though I knew and believed this, coming from her, brought me back.

“Jesus wants us to pray for healing because it demonstrates our faith in Him and what He is able to do. Nothing is impossible for Him and yet sometimes He chooses not to and like He told Paul…My grace is sufficient for you. Still, having said that, it doesn’t make it any easier, but trusting in Him with all our hearts even when we don’t understand is all He requires of us. His ways are so much higher than ours are and so are His thoughts. But you know in your heart that Jinn has been healed to the ultimate sense of the word. She’s better than she has ever been right now. “

I do agree and believe all that my friend said. I still struggle when people write about healing. Insinuating that if we believed, all would be healed. I have seen people helped in miraculous ways, but I know that is not always the case. Over and over in Scripture, especially the Psalms, it talks about God being our refuge, our shelter, that He covers us. If there was not trouble in this life, we wouldn’t need a refuge or shelter. Or at least think that we need those things. God says that He will be with us in trouble. Losing someone we love is definitely trouble. I know that God is with me, even if I can’t make sense of it.

As I have been contemplating and trying to wrap my mind around things, there is one thing that I ultimately believe. God has provided a way for us to have a relationship with Him through Jesus. He wants us to share our joys, our fears, our sadness with Him. He doesn’t want us to always be asking for things when we are clinging to despair. He has given us eternity now and the future. If we are only asking Him for things when we pray…when we get to heaven what fellowship will we have with Him there, for in heaven, there will be no need to ask for anything. We are developing that close relationship now that will continue for eternity. He is our only hope for now and eternity, even in our darkest hour.

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Comfort

We mom’s, will do anything to protect our “cubs’ from pain and heartache. We do this each step of their journey of breaking away from us to their adulthood. We are their biggest advocate. Cheering them on with all our might. For us, it does not stop there. We live through our kids. Their moments of joy, their achievements, their pain. When they have spouses and their own children, it continues on, Our “cub family” grows and our heart does as well.

My own heart is breaking for the loss of one of my sweet cubs and the pain the rest of my family is enduring. Some pain, a mom can’t fix. Despite their yearning to do so.

To magnify my own grief, we have lost more family and friends and everyday hear of more pain and suffering in those whom we know.

Often, I can find peace in the Words of my Lord. There are times though, that I don’t feel God speak to me through His Word. He knows me in and out. He knows where to speak to my heart.

He knows I am relational. He knows that I don’t take the care of others for granted. He knows how much I value those around me. Kindness bestowed.

In 2 Corinthians 1, it states that God comforts and encourages us in every trouble so that we will be able to comfort and encourage those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

God has comforted me numerous times in my life and sometimes, I didn’t see it until much later. However, during the course of several years, the Lord has been surrounding me with friends and family that He, in his wisdom, knew that I would need for this time. If you are in pain or in a hard season, I imagine He has done that for you as well.

God has comforted me through a dear friend meeting for a cup of coffee and praying over me,cards from those I hold dear, words of comfort from so many. My family’s sacrificial love. Through my sisters in Christ who have surrounded me with love, acceptance, encouragement while my “armor” is a little cracked. Through ladies that I meet with weekly, that mean so very much to me.

Even in unlikely places, such as our financial advisor and his assistant that brought words of comfort and has gifted me with attachments for my boots so that I wouldn’t fall again.

I believe God placed me to work side by side for seven years with a young man. An unlikely friendship, yes. Yet, we share a camaraderie. I believe we have a mutual respect and think highly of one another. He has reached out with encouragement at just the right moment to bless my heart.

These people have humbled my heart in their outreach of an underserving soul and I am filled with love for each one.

I am a selfish person by nature.That has been revealed to me more times than I care to admit this past year. I can feel sorry for myself as quick as you can snap your finger.

I feel the Lord is urging me to put my selfishness aside and look for opportunities to reach out to those around me who are hurting. To comfort those as God has comforted me through the hands of others.

Does it take the pain away? No, but I want to turn my pain into someone else’s comfort. For there are many who are suffering, not just me.

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Helpers

I have read that Mr. Rogers used the advice from his mother to “look for the helpers” when things look scary or tragedy happens.

In my opinion, when you lose a loved one, it is tragic. We often cannot imagine our life without them. Our grief seems to take on a life of its own.

It is in these times, that we need those helpers. Those who extend a “How are you doing?” A memory. Prayers for comfort. Any act of kindness. To try and ease our pain.

I find that in our society, we get wrapped up in “doing our own thing”. We want to be independent. At these times, we don’t need the outreach of others. Or so we think.

I have to admit that I am not good at reaching out when things are ordinary. I am not good at just calling to chat. Mostly, because I don’t do exciting things and dont’ have much to report. That’s not to say, I couldn’t fill that time with words… chatting seems to be something I can do. I have a brother that, if he has not heard from me in a while, he will reach out. Just to see how I’m doing. I appreciate that. I am glad that he is a “helper” when things are not scary or tragic. If he did not take the initiative, we would never connect.

That’s the cool thing about friends and family. Even if we don’t see them for days,months or even years. Their extensions of love and trying to comfort the best that they can are the helpers that we see.

As I have shared in previous posts, my son has lost the love of his life. This is tragic. I cannot find another word to describe it. Within this tragedy, we have lost a daughter. In the midst of this, I have seen helpers in the form of his long-time friend, cousins, his sister, his brother-in-law, aunts, co-workers, former pastor and pastor’s wife and more. Many thoughts, many prayers, who though they may not know what would be helpful at this vast loss, they try to bring comfort to a hurt. They do this out of love.

I deeply appreciate the love that has been shown to me, to my son, to our family. I hope that I may extend the same love to others in their time of need or even in the ordinary.

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No More Normal

When someone we love passes… we wonder. How can life go on without them? How can there be a “normal” again? Why can’t the world just STOP?

Yesterday, our family lost the love of our son’s life. I never believed that cancer would have the final say. I always thought that I would see her again. It doesn’t seem real. My heart is breaking for not seeing her here again on earth. My heart is breaking for my son and grandsons.

Growing her own veggies 😊

As I look back on when I first met Hyunjin. She came to visit for 2 weeks during Christmas break. I had much anxiety over this. I thought to myself, “what if she doesn’t like us?” That would make for a very unpleasant Christmas break for her. Those anxieties were released when she walked in the door. It was during this visit that she started calling me, “Mom”.We had many memories of playing games and time spent during visits through the years.

I have admired the fact that she gave up everything that was familiar to her to come to a country. The unknown, for the man she loved. From day one, they have relied on each other for everything. They made a home for each other and their two sons.

As saddened as I am and as saddened as I am for my son, our family and all who knew her. I am thankful for the life she lived with my son. I am thankful for the love they had for each other. Many go their entire lives and don’t experience this. Thankful for their family they built together. I am thankful for the memories that we have shared and wish there had been more.

All of us have and continue to love her. I hope she knew how much we loved her.