We often, in the Christian community state, “all for Jesus”. Do we know the weight of these words? Or are we fair weathered? We like to put God in a box. If we do these things…He will do such and such.

Do we really mean ALL? We say, “Even if you don’t.” This sounds really good on the surface. We honestly so want to be that mature. Yet, are we?

I have to admit that I am not that mature. Oh, I thought that I was. Jesus calls us to take up our cross and follow Him. We say…”Oh yes, I will do that for Jesus.” Often, we think this to mean, our trials of trying to imitate Jesus – blessing someone that has hurt us- go the extra mile- or to lay down those things of the flesh. We can do all those things and more without questioning His goodness. Why? They make sense to us. They are fairly easy to attain.

So…what about when things Don’t make sense to us. When things happen that we can’t tie up in a neat little bow. When our life as we have known it has shattered to pieces. What then? It causes us to re-evaluate. Re-evaluate God, ourselves, life, death. Despite our evaluating/reevaluating, God remains the same. For some reason, we think that the goal is for us to have a trial free life instead of glorifying God.

We all know in our heads that God loves us, His ways are higher than our ways. That He is good. I continue to believe this. I continue to believe that God answers our prayers. It does not make the pain go away or stop me from delving into Scripture for answers. Even if He doesn’t answer my specific ones.

God did allow His own Son to die a horrible death –Jesus also prayed for deliverance. That prayer was not answered. Yet, Jesus never doubted His Father’s love.

Our pastor recently shared a Psalm and referred to the “festal shout”. I had never noticed this term before. He said that it was used between the trial and the fulfillment of God’s promises. This caused me to do a search on this and it has been quite helpful. For we are not in one or the other on a usual basis. When we are in a trial, it seems to be a journey and the “festal shout” is believing along that journey of what God promises us. That we will get through to the other side as we rely on Him. It’s about praising Him for who He is and believing in His plan, not my own.

I feel that I have been struggling with my daughter-in-law’s passing for numerous reasons. Mainly, I loved her. Secondly, it breaks my heart to see my son in pain and my grandsons. Also, my son and his family have been very private. So, we were always in confusion as to how to reach out. This was hard for us as parents. When my Dad and my Mum died, I was heartbroken for an extremely long time for each of these I held dear. Yet, I had piece of mind in the fact that I spent everyday with them. Said all the things I wanted to say before they left. No regrets. With my daughter-in-law, I did not see her everyday, did not realize the extent of her illness or what they were going through. Now, I do have regrets. Could there have been ways that I could have reached out? Ways that I could have “been there” for them and still allowed them their privacy? Does my son feel that I could have done more? These thoughts permeate my mind often. I know that I am not the only one who has or is going through a valley and I believe these questions could apply to anyone.

Many things as a Christ follower do not make sense. Love your enemies, turn the other cheek, etc. I am finding this too does not make sense to me when I think about losing those we love. We know that we will or others will lose us, but we choose not to think it will happen to us. Then it does, and we are devastated. I guess that’s a bit odd.

In the midst of my trying to grasp meaning, I believe that I will do the “festal shout”. To praise God in the journey, even if I’m not as mature as I should be. I will praise Him that Jinn is not in pain. I will praise Him for allowing my life to be changed by a young woman from the other side of the planet whom I loved like my own. I will praise Him in the valley, as He changes me to who I need to be. I will praise Him for helping me to realize that maybe I did have Him in a box and that box needed to be opened to draw me closer to Him.